A Bus Stop on my Pilgrim Journey

Over the last few weeks my church has been advertising an Alpha Course which begins this week. On the face of it a good thing and for most people a positive step towards a deeper faith in God. I however have a complicated past and my decision whether or not to take part has resulted in a lot of soul searching. Today was an especially difficult day. This is my way of making sense of how I feel.

I look on my life as a pilgrimage, a journey. I look back on my childhood and teens growing up in my local church with great fondness. I had a conversion experience when I was sixteen and after several years ended up pioneering a pentecostal church. My faith meant that I knew my place with God and I had a settled world view. However it all ended in disaster and I was left with no faith, no church, no God. That faith I had which was all encompassing had somehow disappeared like thick fog burning off on a hot day.

I then began a gradual process of accepting myself and discovered a real contentment. I The God I had known was no longer there but in many ways I didn’t miss Him or at least I was not aware of it.

Last year that changed and I believe God reached out to me and set me walking on my pilgrim journey.

For whatever reason I have set my sights on walking the Camino Frances, this year, approximately 500 miles across northern Spain to Santiago de Compostella. Over the past few months I have watched hundreds of YouTube videos about this. I have picked up on several discussions about how the thousands of pilgrims each year make that journey. Some walk all the way, some cycle, some will get buses part of the way. I suppose there are as many ways of making that pilgrimage as there are people. For me walking is my thing and carrying all I need on my back is part of that too.

In the context of my current decision I likened the part of my pilgrim journey those years ago when I was firm in my evangelical faith as me getting on a bus. I know this is a bit weird but this is just me trying to make sense of the very real fear and anxiety which overwhelmed me this morning. This is not an perfect picture and it will I am sure, fall apart if I trying to fit everything into it. I mean that in getting on the bus I was sharing my experience with others going to the same place. It implies a commitment to go together with shared values. I got on this evangelical bus and it was great. I even ended up driving! But then I crashed and life as I had known it ended.

I was trying to work out this week why the idea of participating in an online course with people I am coming to know and trust, who have my best interests at heart was causing me such anxiety. I have come to the conclusion that it’s because it felt like getting on a bus again. What it was doing was triggering my memories of my last spiritual bus jouney and the crash.

So here I am at a bus stop with a choice to continue walking or to get on that bus. For now, I am content that my pilgrimage is a walking one. I can go at a pace I am comfortable with, and a route that is being revealed to me.